Grant's Humor?

Humor? Who Me Make Something Humorous?

There's all the Myriad Shapes and Types of Humor...And Then There's Grant Humor!

Ok, you've been warned! This is a humor page. So what's so funny about it? Why are you smiling? You are smiling aren't you????

My humor is often very subtle, wry (whatever that means), and rather dry as some people tell me. I really don't know why they would say these things about me...Perhaps it's because they know me well!

One day, in Golden, Colorado, I was getting some groceries and waiting in the checkout line for this person in front of me....It seems that he would take one item out of his cart at a time, place it on the conveyor belt, turn to get another item (he obviously didn't know that he had two hands for a good reason!), then he would stop, look back at the item he had just placed on the conveyor, turn back and move that item just a little bit, just so much, a little bit closer or a little bit farther away from the other items. Then he would look at all the items and every third time he did this he would move (adjust really) the position of another item. He had most of the items laid out in a rough XY grid (but not perfectly...well, actually, it wasn't that good...I could of done better). Then he would turn and get another item...and so on.

I had read and heard about this obsessive/compulsive behaivour. But to see it in person was something. To see it delay me in the checkout line was something else. It was annoying. So I spontaneously started to mimic his behaviour. Soon (actually it took a while with all the pauses) I had a nice XY layout of my items and was doing quite well mimicking him. Unfortunately he didn't notice! He was that absorbed in his compulsion and obsession. Finally the conveyor moved and his so thoughtfully laid out items (fung shui on the checkout line?) was destroyed by the thoughtless and un-appreciating checkout person who actually thought (and acted) like the items on a checkout conveyor in a grocery store were actually MEANT to be checked out and have their so carefully thought out symmetry destroyed! Could she see what thought, what effort, what idiocy had gone into the man's placement of his items? Obviously not! She didn't respond to my comment about "the strangeness of placing items just so" on the conveyor when it was my turn to check out. She evidently just "didn't get it" and no doubt didn't even care! Such great art to be found in such a mundane place! And my mimicry! It was superb! But, alas, it too was ignored and the artfulness lost forever to the bagged khaos of common everyday shopping bags that had swallowed the beautiful artwork!

So I finally go to check out. After observing a psychological pathology in person! Wow, what an unforgettable trip to the grocery store!

...So there you have it! A fairly good instance of my unusual sense of humor!

But wait! There's so much more!

There's the Number 2 pencil conspiracy that you've probably been exposed to (but never suspected)! And my great idea for Ballistic Transport supplementing our overly crowded air transportation system...Just remember to bring your parachute! And then there's...

Well, it seems that I have a bunch of things to write about!

Ballistic Transport

So, your're tired of waiting in airport lines.  For both getting on the plane and getting off the plane.  It's not fun at all and it takes a lot of time.  So...when Grant was falling past 5,500 feet trying to get his parachute open...He had an intriguing thought:  Why not combine skydiving with airline travel?  It could be the best of both worlds - Fun, exciting, saving of a lot of time (passing 4,700 feet now...), and challenging!  Why...Oh!  The ground is getting awfully close!  So...Wait a moment...(Passing 3,900 feet now...)...PULL!  And out goes the pilot chute...It catches in the 120 MPH airstream and...Pulls out the main chute from the container (what they call the parachute main pack) and...UMPH!...The main chute fills with air and I decelerate from 120 to about 40 MPH in just a few seconds.  That's when you'll find out if you properly adjusted and tightened your straps (or not!).  Ok...Where was I?...Oh!  Yes!  So the great idea about Ballistic Transport...  Oh!  Where's the landing zone now?...

So I call this Grant's Great Idea "Ballistic Transport".  It combines the excitement of skydiving with the fun, safety, and comfort of modern air travel.  No more waiting and standing in lines to get on the airplane or off the airplane!  You don't have to wait for the plane to land...because it doesn't have to land to pick up and let off passengers!  Sort of like the continuously moving trolleys of San Francisco.  Now you can board a plane from just about anywhere!  You don't need a airport!  Just think what a revolutionary idea this is!

So let's give you an example.  Say Grant lives up north of Atlanta and the airport is south of Atlanta.  No more getting up at 3:00 AM in order to do the long and boring drive to the airport so far away.  Instead Grant gets up at 7:00 AM, leisurely eats breakfast, and then takes a short drive to the nearby Ballastic Transport, Inc. cannon.  Yes, that's right!  The BT, Inc. cannon.  Parking right next to the Breach Loading Assembly (BLA) Grant checks in with the friendly staff, collects his pre-packaged Safety Chute and complimentary morning orange juice, and sits down to read the morning news in the Secondary Staging Area (SSA).  After a few minutes of watching the holographics news on the easy chair's arm his wrist phone jingles with the news that it's Primary Time!  Suppressing a brief surge of excitement, Grant dons his Safety Chute, attaching it to his Primary Suit Harness (PSH) and zippers all of his pockets shut.  Walking into the Primary Staging Area (PSA) he walks to the first empty Primary Staging Point (PSS) and stands on the TBI emblem painted on the floor.  Holding his arms away from this body the two TBI Launch Technicians (LTs) check his harness, Safety Chute, pockets, and his Primary Flight Suit (PFS) for readiness and then squeeze his shoulder to indicate he's good for the next step.  Grant puts on his Flight Helmet (FH), connects up the umbilicles, switches on his O2 (oxygen) and helmut Heads Up Flight Display (HUFD).  The LTs do a quick check then tap him on his helmut twice to signal that he's good to go.  (They would of pushed him off the emblem if there was a significant launch safety threatening problem.  BTI is all about flight safety!).

His helmut communicator (comm) comes to life and now he can both listen to launch control and see the launch procedures, settings, and ballistic flight vector on his HUFD.  He's third in line for launch.  It's rush hour now at the Blue Ridge Georgia BTI Flight Center.  He's been here only 17 minutes and it won't be long now.

The breach opens, the green light goes on, and the first person in lines climbs in to the breach.  The breach door closes, there is a slight pause, and then BOOM!  it fires!  The breach mechanism opens while the launch gun trundles a little and elevates slightly on its mounting to line up for the next firing.  All of us in line steps forward to the next emblem.  The breach opens, the green light goes on, and the next person in line dives inside and the cycle repeats.  Grant's heart starts racing a little bit.  He allows it to elevate to 120 beats per minute in preparation for the launch but clamps it down right there.  The Internal Control Protocols (ICPs) are a great thing to have!  Waiting...waiting...time slows down...GREEN LIGHT!  Grant jumps into the breach, aligns for launch, and shouts, "Ready to Launch!".  Waiting...waiting..BLEEEP!!!!!...and the LAUNCH!  Five tons of metal, ceramics, and sophisticated electronics and hydo-gas gun technology accelerates him at 3.6 Gs down the barrel.  The acceleration is over incredibly quickly and Grant is rushing through the air with his arms at his sides and his bullet shaped smart slick nanotech helmut cutting a path through the air for him.  He quickly passes 10,000 feet...20,000 feet...and watching his HUFD flight vector display makes a few minor course corrections and...There it is!...32,500 feet on the dot, 535 MPH strong, and he's on target for the basket!  His HUFD is locked on to the plane's basket and the basket makes a few attitude adjustments and he's....RIGHT IN THE BASKET!  ALRIGHT!  He feels the comfort of the capture clamps as they lock him into the basket and Launch Control signs off to Recovery Control and he feels the winch start pulling the basket into the plane.

Another successful Ballistic Transport launch and capture!  Twenty six minutes has elapsed since he stepped into the BTI flight center and now he's....bump, bump...aboard the Nagoya bound Boeing 872 on it's non-stop orbit around the world.  He won't have to jump off for a couple of hours until the plane comes out of it's hypersonic dive in Japanese airspace.  As the friendly staff helps him out of the Recovery Basket (RB) he thinks about how much faster this is than the old ways...And a heck of lot more fun!

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Grant Features:

  • The DaVinci Man
  • The Hyperdimensional Man
  • Builds Complex Software Systems
  • Conceptualizes Complex Systems
  • Highly Creative and Inventive
  • Very Smart to Brilliant
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My uncle taught me everything that I know about Road Runners and inventions. He lectured me frequently about using modern technology in capturing Road Runners. Unfortunately, they are scarce here in Atlanta, Georgia

I, too, buy most of my stuff from Acme (only now it's called